I was inspired to write this while in the shower. (Why will soon make sense.) I used every fiber of my weak self-discipline muscle to keep from leaping out, running down the stairs and tapping out this urgent appeal to God. (Instead, I fought the good fight with my blow dryer and some no-frizz serum and slipped into PJs.)
I’m nervous about this. It’s a pretty big thing writing to God, being official about it and all. I mean, we chat all the time (mostly it’s a one-way conversation) but this is different. Plus, this is public, so there’s a little pressure there. But on behalf of all the other mothers out there who are less than keen on their post-pregnancy bodies, I feel thus compelled…
“Dear God,
I would like to humbly request that you reconsider your long-standing, global policy of allowing pregnancy to wreak permanent damage on a woman’s body.
I earnestly submit this recall to appeal the common practice of flabby tummy, saggy breasts and wider hips appearing post pregnancy. I know there are some moms out there who claim to celebrate such changes as badges of honor and as a wonderful reminder of what their bodies are capable of doing. They’re liars, bless their hearts. Or, maybe they’re just better women than me. Regardless, I’m not in their camp. I already have the two most beautiful and constant reminders of the miracle I participated in, and their names are Sophia and Marissa.
First, there was the battle to lose weight after pregnancy. Many of us have reached a stalemate on that account. But I’m not complaining about that because it is, in theory and in Heidi Klum’s case, possible to recover from pregnancy weight gain. However, when the stretch marks, which I successfully avoided with my first pregnancy, took roost only six months into the second, I have to confess that I was deeply disappointed.
Those stretch marks were soon followed by the rest of the forever gang – hemorrhoids, varicose veins, and later, the dreaded belly overhang. (Since when did my belly feel it necessary to provide shade for my pelvis?)
Badges of honor? I’ll just take an honorable mention. Reminders of how my life has changed? Don’t need ‘em. “Me” time now consists of getting the flu shot or taking a shower.
Listen Lord, I know I’m not alone. I have one friend who has banished thongs from her lingerie drawer and named her hemorrhoids. Sadly, she knows they’re not going anywhere. I know many more mommies who fantasize about breast lifts and tummy tucks, but make do with push-up bras and Spanx instead.
It doesn’t seem fair that with each pregnancy, our bodies suffer additional wear and tear. With greater service and sacrifice comes greater punitive damages – where’s the justice in that? I propose that with each pregnancy, our postpartum bodies only get more taut, supple and glowy. Think how hot that would make Octomom, and how much plastic surgery money that would have saved her.
I know that this plea may go against my writings on what my babies are teaching me about body image, but I’m claiming a woman’s prerogative to contradict herself every other minute. (You made us. You know how we are.)
In closing God, I’d like to reiterate, as I do many times a week, how thankful I am to have been made a mother, have healthy, happy children and a wonderful husband, and a lovely home to raise my children in. I see the bigger picture and understand that if there had to be an exchange of tight skin for all this, the deal was mightily weighted in my favor.
That being said, my softened belly and I await your decision. Please send word or Preparation H soon.
Consider your petition signed.
I'm not sure if it's too late to add, but could you put something about boobs deciding to visit one's belly button. After feeding two babies, it would sure be nice if they didn't so accurately reflect my exhausted, sagging state. A bit of perkiness wouldn't be remiss and would go a long way towards repairing relations with the skin underneath.
Oh yes, we mustn't forget the boobs. Your comment will be an amendment to the petition. By the way Mandy, have you heard of the perkiness pencil test? I tried to rate my boobs in high school with this test but didn't pass. Thus, I never thought of them as perky. Until I realized, postpartum, that they could indeed go lower.
I've never heard of this test. Do tell. I hesistate to Google it. No telling what kind of sites I might end up at. I could *gasp* end up at the Seamy Mandyland!
Hi there! Your comment was above mine at SITS… I love you for writing this post! Motherhood is wonderful, but three children later, even though I am (almost) at my pre-pregnancies weight, my stomach refuses to get the message. Maybe leaving this comment will help you/us in your cause!
So glad I stopped by today. Come over to my blog and say hi when you get a chance. Adding you to my reader!
Bwahahahahaa!!! I can barely type because I cannot stop laughing. *wipes tears from eyes* Thank you for this post. And yes, naming the hemorrhoids really does make them seem a little friendlier, doesn't it?
oh God (yes I'm praying!) tell me hemorrhoids are not the gift of a 2nd child! The boobs are bad enough.
Is 11 weeks too late to get a surrogate?
Oh please god (in whom I don't actually belisve but hey, if it's gonna get me perkier breasts and a less saggy tum, I could be persuaded otherwise, can we please not have such a raw deal in the post child body stakes?
Jenny – Congrats on getting back to your pre-pregnancy weight after having three. Consider the belly collateral damage. I'll mosey on over and check out your site.
Coolwhip Mom – I'm currently looking through my baby names books to select an appropriate name for my hemmy. My husband and I can't seem to agree on one.
Mad woman – I'd like to tell you that. I really would. But in my case, they were part and parcel of the second pregnancy. Congrats on the baby!
Consider me co-signed!! My boobs have never passed the pencil test, either, so I'm most concerned with the tummy flap and ever-widening hips!
Yea Heather, what's up with the widening hips? That was a total surprise to me but my hips did get slightly wider. I guess once a baby passes through 'em, they are never the same.
OMG, this was hysterical. I can't believe you have a friend who's named her roids.
The other day, I saw the cover of a magazine with some woman I didn't recognize on it (I'm very out-of-it and uncool). She was wearing a bikini and holding a young child. It said something about how her saggy boobs, stretch marks and weight gain were all worth it. I wanted to punch someone. Mainly the guys who photoshopped the picture. Damn that pisses me off.
I am laughing at the pencil test… how funny! Mandy, you never heard of it? how many pencils will stay under the boob? I think I might be able to fit a whole pack under mine… and I have only had one kid!!!
lol.
Cracking up about the pencil test discussion. We must have all been avid readers of Teen magazine or Seventeen magazine. I know I had like five subscriptions going when I was a teenager and devoured them all. And, my fingernails were always polished with the latest color back then. Wish I had that kind of time now.
Partly Sunny – magazines can be so uncool in perpetrating a false reality…but I can't help but read them. I am a magazine-aholic! Maybe that's why I want to write for them (just never wanted to move to NY City to do it).
Sarah – OMG…I can fit a whole pack of jumbo markers under mine!
Please get me an unsaggy belly.
I'm tired of it flapping in the wind.
Amen, sista! This post-prego body does not belong to me, and I would like to exchange it!
I'm not embarrassed to say that my son is almost five and I still have 'roids. They never went away after I gave birth.
But Hanky Panky thongs are very 'roid forgiving…thank God!!
Hmm, Hanky Panky thongs huh? Thanks for the tip Mommyologist. And, my husband will thank you too!