Long before I was married, I wanted to have three kids. The basis for my decision was my aunt and uncle’s family – three kids, two dogs, three cats, a pony, a horse and lots of love. When visiting their country house for family gatherings, I reveled in the chaotic glow surrounding the kitchen where laughter spilled over and dishes clanged.
When my husband and I married eight years ago I still wanted three children and so did he, having come from a family of three boys. Along came our first baby and we were already talking about the “next time” before we left the hospital. Little did we know what bringing home a baby would mean to the little life we built as a couple. Before we cut our parenting chops with baby number one, along came – surprise! – baby number two. Enter sleepless nights, early tantrums, and meeting everyone’s needs but our own. (Balance? Pfff!)
Now that we’re done with breastfeeding, bottles, diapers and pacifiers, and family life has eased into a predictable pattern, my husband and I have been having the great debate. Do we try for a third child and start all over again? It would mean purchasing a mini-van, planning our day around the baby’s naps again, and figuring out childcare. We’d be back to ground zero when it comes to time for ourselves and each other. We’d be under water again.
But…
It’s hard to accept that I’ll never put a baby to my breast again or feel the kick of a future soccer player growing inside me. Never mind feeling the weight of a newborn napping in my arms, listening to happy suckling sounds, or seeing the first smile. Graduating from the baby-making stage of life is all sentiment, some relief and loaded with future nostalgia. Reaching for the diploma just feels so final.
I don’t think I could have actually come to a decision to stop at two – other than letting time make it for me – if it weren’t for recently thinking that I might be pregnant. It must have been during a week when I was tired of refereeing sibling spats and midnight calls for missing pacifiers. Nothing about the possibility of being pregnant made me excited. In fact, I felt the opposite. It was then that I knew I could be content with two children.
These days I’m more excited than ever to hold a baby in my arms, rock one to sleep or make it smile. But I’m also just as happy to hand a fussing one back to her mommy and relieved it’s not my job to monitor the crawling tyke fond of choking hazards. Instead of interviewing midwives and discussing whether to find out the sex of a new baby, I’m looking forward to getting back in shape (yes, I still have some of the baby weight three years later), spending more time with my hubby and pursuing my personal passions. Hello yoga mat and downward facing dog – I’ve missed you! Hey there novel, I’m back. Let’s curl up for an hour.
And I’m imagining the future fun my foursome will have. There will be soccer games, gymnastics, horseback riding and crafting. There will be s’mores and movie nights, board games and slip and slides. There will be more than enough to love.
Great post. Thank you! And yes, we are done with two. My man had only two requests when we decided to build a life together: 1) that the kids wouldn’t outnumber the adults, and 2) no pets that poop more than he does. While I occasionally had a pang as our second was growing up, I also came to realize that the two daughters, the one crayfish, several goldfish, and a toy poodle provided quite enough love and chaos for me.
Yay, I’m not alone! I think you nailed it on the head when you said you had enough chaos. Really, I think a lot of the decision has to do with how well and how much we can tolerate stress and zero down time and chaos. I keep thinking, “What if my girlfriends all have three kids? Will I regret the decision to stay at two then?” I have to remind myself that we are all different and what suits one person does suit another and that the decisions we make have to be right for our family.
Oh man I totally get you. I’m currently pregnant with number 2 and it hasn’t been a fun pregnancy. Morning sickness, preterm labour, false labour and now looking at being overdue has just made me realize that I’m really not sure I want to do this again. I always thought I’d have 3 kids but I’m starting to think I’d be really happy with 2. I know being 9 months preg and really uncomfortable isn’t the time to make that decision but it’s at least made me realize that I don’t have to have 3 kids just because thats what I always thought!
Oh Michelle, hang in there! I know what you mean about the second pregnancy being a pain, literally. My first pregnancy was pretty much a breeze. My second sat real low and put immense pressure on my circulatory system, meaning my thighs swelled until I thought they were going to pop and I got varicose veins in places we shouldn’t talk about. The last week of my pregnancy, I could only be pain-free if I laid in bed on my side (when my mother-in-law would take my 1.5 year old so I could rest, God bless her!). Try to rest as much as possible so your body will have energy it needs for labor, or if you’re having a c-section your body will need the energy for recovery. Congratulations and good luck! (And thanks for letting me know I’m not alone!)
I really appreciate this post. We are considering a third. And I love the idea of moving forward with our lives, not “re-setting”. We want to travel and explore the world more, which will be harder with a baby, then a toddler and a fifth plane ticket. And I am often already pulling my hair out, with just two boys (ages 3 and 5). But, I loved being pregnant, and I loved the infant stage, and I always thought there would be more than two. Its so hard to try to make such a decision. Perhaps I need a scare like you had.
Yea, it’s a toughie Leah. Every family is different and every couple’s goals, desires, and ability to handle chaos and stress are different. Some people say that when they think about if they will regret having a third child in 15 years, the answer is no and so they have another one. That’s a very good point. I also heard someone say that no one ever looks back and regrets having a third but there are loads of women who look back and regret not having another one. As for me, I couldn’t just look at the long-term payoff knowing the load it would put on our lives would cause marital stress (because you wouldn’t have time for each other, would be stressed to the max and we are not the best people to be around when we’re stressed, etc.) and personal stress (will my mother-in-law be up to watching a baby again? if not, how could we afford to have me stay home?). I also knew it would mean putting off concentrating on my health (which I’ve had some issues) and pursuing my personal passions. So, with those items taken into account and the feeling that my life was plenty full of love and fun, and my husband felt the same way, we made a decision we felt good with. Will I regret it in 15 years? I have no idea. Good luck to you in making the decision. You’ll need it!